here i go again ...

The empty sheets of note book …. Temptation always, but they end up with some words and letters and every time a page is finished there are some dew drops in my eyes , straight from the hell of within. Seems my friendship with the deeper demon is paying me off and the fate is draining out as the blood through the chopped veins…. Indeed ! one more husky dusty heavy evening, a date with my solitude and grief about all what I did and did not chose to do in life .

Life teaches lessons every day, and I get it the hard way …. Don’t know if to smile or to sob about this strange kind of living but it seems I have every thing but yet nothing . may be my expectations are little too much from life and I do not get suitably rewarded for what I do in life … things become a little weird all the time when I have all the happiness around I crave for something more and when everything is gone I bust into the agony that I have not cherished the time I had .. my wants are bigger and the thrust of getting bigger does not die .

few days back when I was in Bhopal at my home I wanted something more… I don’t know if ii really wanted something more or may be never wanted thing so I kept getting them , my fate was decided by some one else all the time …. I remember when in school I wanted to take Maths as a subject for my secondary school … my teachers decided for me and said u should take biology and there I was meek and submissive to the decision taken for me and there I was doing biology practicles finding the corolla and pollens of the shoe flower , making figures of spirogyra and amoeba and what not .. there I was standing infront of the burner holding a test tube dressed in my white apprean adding iodine to potatoes to see the carbohydrates blue back and adding some salts to some other salts for group testing . I was rite there as a mischievous kid who went to the keeps apparatus blowing off all the H2S to give ppl a heart attack cause of its rotten shit smell …Then I was looking at the others who went to coaching classes for the premedical exam preparation and ofcouse insisted my family as I wanted to join it ,… cause my peers were joining . I was so lame that my parents took the decision as they wann to send me or not …. May be I was over protected . I saw ppl filling forms of various graduate colleges … and some one else was deciding a future for me I suppose … and then being inspired I brought a form to fill and some how got thru … became a lawyer . Some one else proposed MBA and I followed the instruction … subscribed t it .

My fate was taking shape in front of me and some one was always there to decide for me … I do not know if it was some one who was there or it is that some who played a reason fr me to choose the right or made me strong enough to decide for my self.

Things kept happening and I was looking at what is been offered to me …. And the biggest mistakes in my life were those when I always wanted more … when I always challenged this other who was playing a very significant role in my life. Instead of acknowledging I was cribbing and then when this other took me into the finest stock of population [ at least degree wise ] I never appreciated what I have but again cribbed about what I never had or what more I wanted to have .

I don’t know how I will face this in the coming years of my life …. When I have money I feel I have less and want more and more in my life . when I have work I want more and better work … when I have friends I take them for granted and when they are gone I sob that I am all alone .

When I was at home I was thinking that I am stuck up here somewhere and want to do away with these restrictions wanna live life of my own wanna go out and wanted to live life my way , now when I am all alone live in a PG … I crave for family my people I want some one to call of my own …. Now I want them to take decisions for me I do not feel that it is about others deciding for me .. when I need to buy either a shoe or a cell phone or n e damn thing I need some insignificant others to guide me … to tell me if things are good for me or not … when I am stuck up with a crucial decision in my life I look for a third party opinion I need people around me …

I keep thinking is it me who wants people around … was I so social form the beginning or I just am getting more social as I am moving towards a very different kind of solitude .. a solitude in the crowds .

I fight with my friends over petty issues.. I take decisions to disown them , I feel like killing them I feel like never seeing there faces again but then I will come back to my room and I will count on my finger tips how many people I have around me whom I could call good friends.

I always feel I need some one who is a friend with whom I can live and hang around and bully and shout and hate and crib and every thing …. I some time ask myself that those others are becoming the most significant …. How is this happening.

Is that I have grown up ??? Is that I am learning ??? is that the world works like that ???

I am finding new ways every day .. new ways to keep myself happy and entertained. I come with a heavy heart and write and create various useless pieces like this one . walk on the road all alone … looking at the strange faces of the passer bys .. thinking that what the other person is thinking .. what happiness and pains he has in his life .. is he olso that insignificant other who will play a major role in some ones life and decide for him a strange future where he / she will almost everything but still have nothing .

Will that insignificant other also make some one so lonely in his/ her life that they will be tempted by the empty sheets of the notebook … and leave behind some words and letters and every time a page is finished there are some dew drops in there eyes . ??

"JIL" Just In Life ;)

It is Life which bites again …. till yesterday I was freaking out, wanted to go to Home hated hostel life like any thing, I started feeling that these books and those PPTS sucked my blood .yes!!!!!!! I always needed a break from them, was wondering why the hell I am stuck up with this Shit status ? I thought I needed more out of my life …. I really thought I wanted be to some thing else and I wanted to do some thing more then the average normal people. I hated the world for not being what I wanted it to be …. I was howling that this Stupid MBA is my life’s biggest mistake …

Today in the train after the second trimester term break …. Or say when I am almost 33% MBA I realized the things are moving …. At least they have started to move in bits and pieces , the first movement I observed was in attitude, I was never so compromising as I have become …. Its not that I can not be called a perfectionist now , but the level and ways of dealing with people started reaching the other side .Call it a total paradigm shift I started compromising my expectations from people, … its no more a live with me or leave me situation, I always knew that there are donkeys, monkeys, sharks and wheals in this pool of human genetic stock … but I never kept a sharp eye on any of them … I assumed neither they are commonly visible nor they might be interested in me …. But last few months have displayed a huge museum of a great gene pool , at least now I know how many species within humans are surviving on this plant … what are there aspirations, how they might bite you and how should you keep yourself protected from their incurable poisonous sting …. Rather these days have taught me how to bite the world back . I know the biggest challenge in front of me wasps to compromise and get going with these zoo like world … but then I then have learnt this thing the hard way that others are looking at me with the same eyes, and I am no other then a important part of this zoo. Looks like a good beginning I now know how to be stringently strict and flexibly smart at the same time, Seems I have learnt my first word – STRATEGIC

Things moved on further and I have learnt that satisfaction is the hard to spell and herder to have it when aspirations are little too high. My goals were always a two level beyond my reach so that I keep my self motivated and keep running … I thought it might just work as Pygmalion for me , well it was true in my case …. Until and unless I finally realized this that I am going away from some basics, I am realizing day by day that I traded off those things which could yielded some multiple times satisfaction, satisfaction of being with my own people, satisfaction to do whatever I want at any time may that be playing pranks on others, or roaming around or sleeping or chatting or just watching TV , satisfaction of loving and being loved, of playing with pets and fighting with siblings over little things , satisfaction of being there with friends and keeping myself happy in all what I had ,I am now away from those little happiness of life which just came in rolling, small things , small discoveries about world and life which made the world appear very vast and equally tempting to explore. Now things have become plastic … call it materialistic or mechanical , life is all about achieving more and more on the professional front , I have become some one who’s short term and long term objective is to prove myself … but I still donn know prove what to whom ?? It seems that I am in an endless chase for something , where this something is undefined unidentified and rarest thing which is never yet traced is the big word –SATISFACTION .


The newest thing I started learning is figuring out the rare faces in crowds who are born to make it big ….I started looking around and started searching faces with some thing extra in that which will differtiate them from being the commons, I am learning how some people have some just amazing things in themselves that they just keeps things coming to them…they may or may not bite but yes they will defiantly leave you being bitten & puzzled about themselves. Since these 6 months I have some of those odd faces which are a perfect ‘the rare face in the crowd’ types …. And there where I say that despite of all the pains this place has given me, despite of all the sick feelings conditions and circumstances has brought I am getting wiser and wiser day by day. This is a state of mind where you want to be a rebel and want to get out of the system but some of your personal motives & intentions keeps you attracted . The feeling of belonging to this crowd has developed gradually and the passion of belongingness is becoming more then visible now. I discovered the secret of keeping myself interested it was to keep –EXPLORING

These days taught me great lessons, lessons of transformation .surviving any place seems to have a learning curve effect , I can proudly say that I have survived the extreme hate for people which came from within , extreme depressions which generated as a reason of not been able to follow the educational pattern and perform accordingly , rushing feelings of taking drastic steps to quit this place and go back home , not because I was home sick but because this place failed to gimme the feeling of home ....i finally think that I really learnt –SURVIVING

I thought nothing could compare the thrill and fun of reading those law books and journals, the SCC online, lexis nexus. I thought nothing can get more bulky then black’s, but then I met Operations Research a subject which adds adrenaline into my nervous system and then the ideology changed. Thrill naturally started coming with every set of problem I solved without any help form any one. And one day I woke up with a feeling that this I ca do every thing in this world. I learned the very precious lesson of my life that I can do any thing only when I am open for –LEARNING

And here I am Today night , in the moving train ,on my way back to home as a person not returning back barehanded …. But with a bag full of Good and Bad experiences and a totally changed personality

Another a ‘DONN KNOW HOW ’ day in my life ….. this time the grand SUMMER PLACEMENTS @ IIM K ….

I remember last night I was there on my bed sobbing in my bed , cursing God and my stupid destiny that why I left my legal field and landed in a shit thing called MBA .. no heights to achieve.. I was not getting short listed by companies for a SUMMER PLACEMENT , I thought I am not suitable for those organizations, the companies mostly wanted people for marketing , Finance, Human resource, Operations, Information Technology or Systems and it seemed This fresh lawyer is not well suited for any FMCG or marketing role offering company … I was eager on a Marketing Role for which my CV never got short listed, I was picked up for Fin companies initially… by the story has the same old end, they quizzed me on Fin ke Funde and I was a nerd in them .. so got kicked out … I was worried I am zapped in Ops , IT and Systems … where will I be working ???????? will some one pick me up ??????? no work experience … and fresher are no more a hot pick of FMCG companies it seems … I Hate God , I hate Myself .. I ditched my good old legal field and landed here … there I was a hot cake .. where all the top shot law firms wanted to pick me up straight outta campus …

I cried and I donno when my eyes drained all the dreams and I fell asleep with no desires, no hopes and no ambitions .. with just a broken heart and totally lost confidence …

Morning peeped … and I asked myself why this loser had to see another shining day … its already 11 and my message inbox is full of where are you messages … Oh Gosh … I slept over some companies PPT .. some famous MNC IT company …. “YAHOO!” naam to suna hi hoga …. Never mind .. its ok till the time the Placement committee doesn’t charge any Fine from me ..

Knock Knock .. and here comes Yogi inside my room .. MADAM aap ko koi kaam dhaam nahi hai kya , kya kar rahi hai abhi tak ???

ME – arey yaar dil nahi thaa … had a mental emotional crash down last night it seems and can not come outta it till now… donn feel like doing any thing .. Tu suna Yahoo kaa PPt thaa naa … attendance to compulsory nahi thee tu kyu gaya time barbaad karne .. ???

YOGI – chal chal theek hai naa .. waise jisne apply kiya thaa un sab ko attend karma compulsory tha …

ME – sale hua kya yeah to bata what all did they discuss … ??

YOGI – wahi sab time paas .. waise they are offering projects in lottssa field, the guy asked for some lawyers .. par aap to thee nahi audi main , Bhatiya [another lawyer ] bhi nahi thaa …

ME – Jumped !!!!!! kya Legal Project … kya bak raha hai ………… Saaaaaaalaaa … mera har jagha Kat jaata hai … saaaaaala maine apply bhi nahi kiya tha  saala placement kee to %&^&#@$@%$^!@#$%!^@$%^!@$#%*^!@#$% ho rakhi hai .. donn ask me … meree to kismet hi Phutee hui hai it seems @%#%#$%#$$@#%$#@%$ mera kuch nahi ho sakta ..

ME – calling a placement committee member – HELLO SUMA ..

SUMA – Haan Dipika bol ..

ME – Suma yaar maine suna Yahoo is offering some legal projects as well … yaar if not from this campus legal ke liye mera CV push kar naa Please … Please kuch kar yaar .

SUMA – sun I am not handeling the process I will talk to Pranav… and will give you a call in Half an Hour ..OK ??

ME – Theek hai yaar.. I will wait for your call . [hung up ]

ME – Yogi … mera kuch nahi honaa .. I am going to bath .. its already 1145.

And I went out for a royal bath … will I am sure will not get over before another 45 mins  …

And then in the bathroom some one shouts my name after some 15 mins … DIPIKA …
Haan bol … sun SUMA was looking for you please call her ASAP .

ME – Theek hai tell her I am bathing will call her …

After the Great Bath … I called up Suma, by that time Yogi has already left … I called up suma and she asked me to come with my CV at 230 . It was already 1245 .. I took my own sweet time to get ready, after a lot of timepass clock showe the much awaited combination of its two pointers – OK its 2.30 ..

I stepped outta Hostel C and noticed Rahul Bhatiya .. arey tu kanha ??

Rahul – I am going for Yahoo Process … abhi pata chala that our GD rounds and all the initial shortlisting rounds are bypassed and we are directly called for the interview ..

ME – WHAT???????///

Rahul – haan .. till now this is the most authentic news .

ME – Ok … not bad

We went to the Process venue and after a lot of informal discussion with the class mates present there and lot of time killing … It was My Turn …

Went inside the venue … a gentleman and a pretty young lady .. she seemed HR female to me ..
And we Chatted .. and Chatted and chatted about my career interest, love and passion that is LAW LAW AND again LAW……. And then a tricky question

So miss Raikwar do you want to sell some soaps doing marketing …

NO – the strieght answer outta my mouth [I donno how that happen , till last night all that matter to me was one FMCG company where I could go and sell some SOAP or hair OIL :P ] well …….. Yahoo doesn’t sell SOAPS … So what still are you interested in selling soaps ?? Ok if Yahoo sells SOAPS  …

GLAD THEY WERE …….. couldn’t stop smiling for long … the last question which came out of there mouth was so are you flexible ????

ME – Flexible in the sense … could u …

Yeah !!!!! I mean will you be willing to work for our HONGKONG or SINGAPORE division …

ME – certainly …. Traveling is my big time passion apart from law and I no more consider Traveling a hobbies.... will look forward to such offers.

Ok … pulling out a card from his pocket, please send me your CV again on this Email ID. Thank you …

Thank you sir it was nice meeting you .. shook hands and came out ..

Quite indeed …. Little excited and more confused, is it a yes .. no no how can it be they didn’t ask me any thing … is it a NO … then why did they ask me about going abroad ??
Donno … moved out of the venue and spoke to the placecom member about the new requirement of soft Copy of the CV to be sent on the guys email ID as soon as possible …

I came to my room back … it was 730 and mailed the soft copy to the concerned guy Senti … at the placement committee … he called me and asked me to come out and meet him . I went to meet him outaa my hostel .. still dressed up in my business formals .. He came closer to me and murmured .. Listen gal .. just don’t jump or tell it to any one …

YOU ARE OUT OF PLACEMENT PROCESS – THEY PICKED YOU UP !!!!!

I couldn’t answer any thing … senti you know what …. Last night I was mentally broken and I was crying … I gave it a bit too early .. today I have no words to say. We both walked quietly towards the libarary , n e ways, I uttered we have to send them the extended CV .. lets edit it .

Senti – Yes !!!

Me – so tell me more about the offer ..

Senti – they are paying you 45K for a month and have agreed for Mumbai office, they will take more time and let you know if they can post you anywhere abroad .. lets see what can be done . but as of now it is confirmed that you are working with them and in there Legal Department .Please don’t let any thing go out before the placement process gets over … it my request, don’t even tell it to your best friends or any one whom you really really trust on .

Me – Ok …

We edited the CV and I guess Senti by now must have sent it to them already … I was happy , thinking that god heard me it seems all desires fulfilled a great Summer, legal position, day 0 company , great brand Value … seems god was showering his blessings on me whole heartedly .. and I was smiling back at myself .. and what ever I did till now. I was wondering I hade no value till yesterday and today I am worth 45k a month. Till last night I was kicked out of all the companies …. Amongst the 19 whos shortlist were out I was picked up by 3 , in the first selection round … never faced interview for 2 and third is still waiting to CHECK me on their standard … its what I don’t know … First Interview .. Only the Single One … and I Got Through .. No GD nothing … just picked up randomly and offered a Placement on a silver platter . … Don’t know what is it ..i donn know how it feels like being the highest stipend earning person[in INR] on the campus .. but I guess I must start feeling it now !!!!!

The only thing that came out from my mouth today was YAHOO! And after that till now… I am silent and indifferent .. donn have words to explain whats happening .. don’t know what is my destiny but I surely believe it again that God can not see me as a lesser confident person .. and I every time forget the basic fact that “Its All About Just Looking In A Mirror Its All About Saying I Am Back”. still waiting for one more good news that I am posted abroad … I will surely shout at the world “ Don’t underestimate me , I know who I am and what I am … you make notions about any thing but I know the world is not enough for me … and I know
THE FINAL WORD,LAST DAY IS MINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Towards some world .....

Today , yes might call it one of the most fascinating day of my life , but not in practical terms and actual meanings . I donno why I have a feeling i never had before .. The day started little busy today . Since early morning I had various assignments ,an examination for one of my universities debar trimester where I was detained from giving examination due to short attendance , after that I had to come home and design a dress for my beloved pet dog Lucy for a dog fancy dress show , as I got her enrolled for a celebration on the world vat nary day . Then had to rush up to the chat session venue and from there straight to the dog show .


Today after clearing CAT examination one of the toughest exams of the world [as they say ] I was called by my coaching institute T.I.M.E for a chat session with all the aspirants of next years cat … surprisingly the dog show and chat show happened just back to back…

Firstly I went to the chat session , spoke about my examination , paper solving strategy , group discussion , personal interviews and what not … as if I m a great academician . The young faces were fresh and eager r to extract more and more fundas .. Was almost felling like a celebrity when delivering my speech in that fully occupied banquet hall of elite class hotel .
People wanted to know about my experiences .. Wanted to know about the attitude , positivism and again a big what not !!!! Some asked for mail id some for autograph [now that really touched me ] although I refused and asked to definitely give an autograph if I become some big thing some day . Felt as if this world is taking me i don’t know where …

finally after some hours I seeked time to move out and rush to the dog show … took my lill cutey Lucy .. A female Dutch hound for a ramp walk and discovered that she is so fabulous in a dress of princess that she just won being the best . Lottssa applaud … free dog food , shield and certi for the wining baby …

Now that really delighted me . Was exhausted saw the watch its already 2300 hrs .. Came back home with 2 trophies and a shield in hand .. Shield to my baby doggie , and trophies to me … for those dog quiz i won on the spot .

Returned home with a handful of success and bagful of appreciation and good wishes . .. Things seemed something but not satisfaction , momentary excitement but not joy , quite some more fame but not happiness … I don’t know where my life is taking me .. I am just trying to live in peoples smiles now . Tomorrow have that same old debar viva repeat examination .. And am feeling less .

In my dreams and desires I still wanna abscond to Himalayas , set up a small dance school , and do some more tarot reading and reiki healing .. Ok its high time now ,tell me god what’s u r plan for me ? Y these glossy games with me ?

strange life

RIGHT SAID THERE IS ONLY ONE THING WHICH NEVER CHANGES…. THE CHANGE ITSELF .

Today I looked back few years back Life was going to school on a tobu bicycle wearing blue and white school uniform … asking question what it feels like being dead ?? who lives in the stars ??? what happens if we eat more in a dream and what if all the toys refuse to live with .

Few years back … life was learning how to ride a bike … life started going to discos , life had sweet sensations , crushes , movies , sports , friends , bunking lectures life started playing pranks on ppl . life completed school .

Life got hurt had broken hearts , learnt to write poems , preferred to avoid people refused to socialize , stayed locked in room .. life cried .

Started taking things to ego , shouted , went to gym , got frustrated , bitched , cribbed , boozed , challenged world , got ambitious , went mad, wired, psycho turned pessimist .

Then it consoled itself .. got religious reconstructed itself , took a break got rejuvenated started again with a new approach , became studious, started evolving , landed in a law school …. Started applying rational , analytical approach to things …. Life graduated , got enrolled in the bar became a lawyer . life took up business administration , started doing MBA … met new people , made new friends started looking forward to a new future .

Life … moved on . and on and on …. But life missed those days when life was really life … it danced , it read tarot , it was reiki healing people . life was quite , content and was living in solitude.

Life will have glamorous things to surround it , handsome jobs , great perks , awesome fringe benefits … crowds of associates , respect , recognition , fame , popularity and success , but life is loosing some thing , life is loosing life itself .

Today … life sit by the window watch the rain drops falling on the balcony floor , life gets amazed on the ruffling curtains in the cool monsoon breeze . asking questions to itself …. Is it the life which began , is the life which was .. which is and which will be .

Is this life is life actually ???
Is this life My Life ???