here i go again ...

The empty sheets of note book …. Temptation always, but they end up with some words and letters and every time a page is finished there are some dew drops in my eyes , straight from the hell of within. Seems my friendship with the deeper demon is paying me off and the fate is draining out as the blood through the chopped veins…. Indeed ! one more husky dusty heavy evening, a date with my solitude and grief about all what I did and did not chose to do in life .

Life teaches lessons every day, and I get it the hard way …. Don’t know if to smile or to sob about this strange kind of living but it seems I have every thing but yet nothing . may be my expectations are little too much from life and I do not get suitably rewarded for what I do in life … things become a little weird all the time when I have all the happiness around I crave for something more and when everything is gone I bust into the agony that I have not cherished the time I had .. my wants are bigger and the thrust of getting bigger does not die .

few days back when I was in Bhopal at my home I wanted something more… I don’t know if ii really wanted something more or may be never wanted thing so I kept getting them , my fate was decided by some one else all the time …. I remember when in school I wanted to take Maths as a subject for my secondary school … my teachers decided for me and said u should take biology and there I was meek and submissive to the decision taken for me and there I was doing biology practicles finding the corolla and pollens of the shoe flower , making figures of spirogyra and amoeba and what not .. there I was standing infront of the burner holding a test tube dressed in my white apprean adding iodine to potatoes to see the carbohydrates blue back and adding some salts to some other salts for group testing . I was rite there as a mischievous kid who went to the keeps apparatus blowing off all the H2S to give ppl a heart attack cause of its rotten shit smell …Then I was looking at the others who went to coaching classes for the premedical exam preparation and ofcouse insisted my family as I wanted to join it ,… cause my peers were joining . I was so lame that my parents took the decision as they wann to send me or not …. May be I was over protected . I saw ppl filling forms of various graduate colleges … and some one else was deciding a future for me I suppose … and then being inspired I brought a form to fill and some how got thru … became a lawyer . Some one else proposed MBA and I followed the instruction … subscribed t it .

My fate was taking shape in front of me and some one was always there to decide for me … I do not know if it was some one who was there or it is that some who played a reason fr me to choose the right or made me strong enough to decide for my self.

Things kept happening and I was looking at what is been offered to me …. And the biggest mistakes in my life were those when I always wanted more … when I always challenged this other who was playing a very significant role in my life. Instead of acknowledging I was cribbing and then when this other took me into the finest stock of population [ at least degree wise ] I never appreciated what I have but again cribbed about what I never had or what more I wanted to have .

I don’t know how I will face this in the coming years of my life …. When I have money I feel I have less and want more and more in my life . when I have work I want more and better work … when I have friends I take them for granted and when they are gone I sob that I am all alone .

When I was at home I was thinking that I am stuck up here somewhere and want to do away with these restrictions wanna live life of my own wanna go out and wanted to live life my way , now when I am all alone live in a PG … I crave for family my people I want some one to call of my own …. Now I want them to take decisions for me I do not feel that it is about others deciding for me .. when I need to buy either a shoe or a cell phone or n e damn thing I need some insignificant others to guide me … to tell me if things are good for me or not … when I am stuck up with a crucial decision in my life I look for a third party opinion I need people around me …

I keep thinking is it me who wants people around … was I so social form the beginning or I just am getting more social as I am moving towards a very different kind of solitude .. a solitude in the crowds .

I fight with my friends over petty issues.. I take decisions to disown them , I feel like killing them I feel like never seeing there faces again but then I will come back to my room and I will count on my finger tips how many people I have around me whom I could call good friends.

I always feel I need some one who is a friend with whom I can live and hang around and bully and shout and hate and crib and every thing …. I some time ask myself that those others are becoming the most significant …. How is this happening.

Is that I have grown up ??? Is that I am learning ??? is that the world works like that ???

I am finding new ways every day .. new ways to keep myself happy and entertained. I come with a heavy heart and write and create various useless pieces like this one . walk on the road all alone … looking at the strange faces of the passer bys .. thinking that what the other person is thinking .. what happiness and pains he has in his life .. is he olso that insignificant other who will play a major role in some ones life and decide for him a strange future where he / she will almost everything but still have nothing .

Will that insignificant other also make some one so lonely in his/ her life that they will be tempted by the empty sheets of the notebook … and leave behind some words and letters and every time a page is finished there are some dew drops in there eyes . ??