here i go again ...

The empty sheets of note book …. Temptation always, but they end up with some words and letters and every time a page is finished there are some dew drops in my eyes , straight from the hell of within. Seems my friendship with the deeper demon is paying me off and the fate is draining out as the blood through the chopped veins…. Indeed ! one more husky dusty heavy evening, a date with my solitude and grief about all what I did and did not chose to do in life .

Life teaches lessons every day, and I get it the hard way …. Don’t know if to smile or to sob about this strange kind of living but it seems I have every thing but yet nothing . may be my expectations are little too much from life and I do not get suitably rewarded for what I do in life … things become a little weird all the time when I have all the happiness around I crave for something more and when everything is gone I bust into the agony that I have not cherished the time I had .. my wants are bigger and the thrust of getting bigger does not die .

few days back when I was in Bhopal at my home I wanted something more… I don’t know if ii really wanted something more or may be never wanted thing so I kept getting them , my fate was decided by some one else all the time …. I remember when in school I wanted to take Maths as a subject for my secondary school … my teachers decided for me and said u should take biology and there I was meek and submissive to the decision taken for me and there I was doing biology practicles finding the corolla and pollens of the shoe flower , making figures of spirogyra and amoeba and what not .. there I was standing infront of the burner holding a test tube dressed in my white apprean adding iodine to potatoes to see the carbohydrates blue back and adding some salts to some other salts for group testing . I was rite there as a mischievous kid who went to the keeps apparatus blowing off all the H2S to give ppl a heart attack cause of its rotten shit smell …Then I was looking at the others who went to coaching classes for the premedical exam preparation and ofcouse insisted my family as I wanted to join it ,… cause my peers were joining . I was so lame that my parents took the decision as they wann to send me or not …. May be I was over protected . I saw ppl filling forms of various graduate colleges … and some one else was deciding a future for me I suppose … and then being inspired I brought a form to fill and some how got thru … became a lawyer . Some one else proposed MBA and I followed the instruction … subscribed t it .

My fate was taking shape in front of me and some one was always there to decide for me … I do not know if it was some one who was there or it is that some who played a reason fr me to choose the right or made me strong enough to decide for my self.

Things kept happening and I was looking at what is been offered to me …. And the biggest mistakes in my life were those when I always wanted more … when I always challenged this other who was playing a very significant role in my life. Instead of acknowledging I was cribbing and then when this other took me into the finest stock of population [ at least degree wise ] I never appreciated what I have but again cribbed about what I never had or what more I wanted to have .

I don’t know how I will face this in the coming years of my life …. When I have money I feel I have less and want more and more in my life . when I have work I want more and better work … when I have friends I take them for granted and when they are gone I sob that I am all alone .

When I was at home I was thinking that I am stuck up here somewhere and want to do away with these restrictions wanna live life of my own wanna go out and wanted to live life my way , now when I am all alone live in a PG … I crave for family my people I want some one to call of my own …. Now I want them to take decisions for me I do not feel that it is about others deciding for me .. when I need to buy either a shoe or a cell phone or n e damn thing I need some insignificant others to guide me … to tell me if things are good for me or not … when I am stuck up with a crucial decision in my life I look for a third party opinion I need people around me …

I keep thinking is it me who wants people around … was I so social form the beginning or I just am getting more social as I am moving towards a very different kind of solitude .. a solitude in the crowds .

I fight with my friends over petty issues.. I take decisions to disown them , I feel like killing them I feel like never seeing there faces again but then I will come back to my room and I will count on my finger tips how many people I have around me whom I could call good friends.

I always feel I need some one who is a friend with whom I can live and hang around and bully and shout and hate and crib and every thing …. I some time ask myself that those others are becoming the most significant …. How is this happening.

Is that I have grown up ??? Is that I am learning ??? is that the world works like that ???

I am finding new ways every day .. new ways to keep myself happy and entertained. I come with a heavy heart and write and create various useless pieces like this one . walk on the road all alone … looking at the strange faces of the passer bys .. thinking that what the other person is thinking .. what happiness and pains he has in his life .. is he olso that insignificant other who will play a major role in some ones life and decide for him a strange future where he / she will almost everything but still have nothing .

Will that insignificant other also make some one so lonely in his/ her life that they will be tempted by the empty sheets of the notebook … and leave behind some words and letters and every time a page is finished there are some dew drops in there eyes . ??

"JIL" Just In Life ;)

It is Life which bites again …. till yesterday I was freaking out, wanted to go to Home hated hostel life like any thing, I started feeling that these books and those PPTS sucked my blood .yes!!!!!!! I always needed a break from them, was wondering why the hell I am stuck up with this Shit status ? I thought I needed more out of my life …. I really thought I wanted be to some thing else and I wanted to do some thing more then the average normal people. I hated the world for not being what I wanted it to be …. I was howling that this Stupid MBA is my life’s biggest mistake …

Today in the train after the second trimester term break …. Or say when I am almost 33% MBA I realized the things are moving …. At least they have started to move in bits and pieces , the first movement I observed was in attitude, I was never so compromising as I have become …. Its not that I can not be called a perfectionist now , but the level and ways of dealing with people started reaching the other side .Call it a total paradigm shift I started compromising my expectations from people, … its no more a live with me or leave me situation, I always knew that there are donkeys, monkeys, sharks and wheals in this pool of human genetic stock … but I never kept a sharp eye on any of them … I assumed neither they are commonly visible nor they might be interested in me …. But last few months have displayed a huge museum of a great gene pool , at least now I know how many species within humans are surviving on this plant … what are there aspirations, how they might bite you and how should you keep yourself protected from their incurable poisonous sting …. Rather these days have taught me how to bite the world back . I know the biggest challenge in front of me wasps to compromise and get going with these zoo like world … but then I then have learnt this thing the hard way that others are looking at me with the same eyes, and I am no other then a important part of this zoo. Looks like a good beginning I now know how to be stringently strict and flexibly smart at the same time, Seems I have learnt my first word – STRATEGIC

Things moved on further and I have learnt that satisfaction is the hard to spell and herder to have it when aspirations are little too high. My goals were always a two level beyond my reach so that I keep my self motivated and keep running … I thought it might just work as Pygmalion for me , well it was true in my case …. Until and unless I finally realized this that I am going away from some basics, I am realizing day by day that I traded off those things which could yielded some multiple times satisfaction, satisfaction of being with my own people, satisfaction to do whatever I want at any time may that be playing pranks on others, or roaming around or sleeping or chatting or just watching TV , satisfaction of loving and being loved, of playing with pets and fighting with siblings over little things , satisfaction of being there with friends and keeping myself happy in all what I had ,I am now away from those little happiness of life which just came in rolling, small things , small discoveries about world and life which made the world appear very vast and equally tempting to explore. Now things have become plastic … call it materialistic or mechanical , life is all about achieving more and more on the professional front , I have become some one who’s short term and long term objective is to prove myself … but I still donn know prove what to whom ?? It seems that I am in an endless chase for something , where this something is undefined unidentified and rarest thing which is never yet traced is the big word –SATISFACTION .


The newest thing I started learning is figuring out the rare faces in crowds who are born to make it big ….I started looking around and started searching faces with some thing extra in that which will differtiate them from being the commons, I am learning how some people have some just amazing things in themselves that they just keeps things coming to them…they may or may not bite but yes they will defiantly leave you being bitten & puzzled about themselves. Since these 6 months I have some of those odd faces which are a perfect ‘the rare face in the crowd’ types …. And there where I say that despite of all the pains this place has given me, despite of all the sick feelings conditions and circumstances has brought I am getting wiser and wiser day by day. This is a state of mind where you want to be a rebel and want to get out of the system but some of your personal motives & intentions keeps you attracted . The feeling of belonging to this crowd has developed gradually and the passion of belongingness is becoming more then visible now. I discovered the secret of keeping myself interested it was to keep –EXPLORING

These days taught me great lessons, lessons of transformation .surviving any place seems to have a learning curve effect , I can proudly say that I have survived the extreme hate for people which came from within , extreme depressions which generated as a reason of not been able to follow the educational pattern and perform accordingly , rushing feelings of taking drastic steps to quit this place and go back home , not because I was home sick but because this place failed to gimme the feeling of home ....i finally think that I really learnt –SURVIVING

I thought nothing could compare the thrill and fun of reading those law books and journals, the SCC online, lexis nexus. I thought nothing can get more bulky then black’s, but then I met Operations Research a subject which adds adrenaline into my nervous system and then the ideology changed. Thrill naturally started coming with every set of problem I solved without any help form any one. And one day I woke up with a feeling that this I ca do every thing in this world. I learned the very precious lesson of my life that I can do any thing only when I am open for –LEARNING

And here I am Today night , in the moving train ,on my way back to home as a person not returning back barehanded …. But with a bag full of Good and Bad experiences and a totally changed personality